Lady Lisia

Mon, 13 Oct 2003 19:20:20 GMT

my new journal is under the name LisiasGloryBox.
it's friends only, so you'll have to actually ask me to get added. if you dont have a journal so you couldnt be added, ask me and i'll give you your very own code, compliments of mr Noktulo.

and this journal is officialy dead.

Sat, 11 Oct 2003 20:10:35 GMT

this journal is being deleted. sad? ask me for the name of my new one. it may not be the one you think it is.

Sat, 11 Oct 2003 02:24:28 GMT

michael...what can i say? that kid is able to express his emotions like no other boy i know. if it wasnt for him, i think i would have lost my mind several times over. we got to talking about what an utter waste our summers turned out to be. we talked about high points, low points...lots of low points...and how we're dealing with it now.

talked about how highschool relationships have the tendancy to suck

which brought about a convo on how much girls suck

which had us conclude i am not a girl

which proves that michael is gay because we went out.

HA!

thomas puckett is a ball and a half. sorry that movie didnt work out, but your a doll anyways. have fun at miami tomorrow!

i am so tired, and i am so hurt. i dont know why, or by whom, but i feel so lonely that i can hardly stand it. someone come visit me. anyone...preferably someone special...

Fri, 10 Oct 2003 22:19:47 GMT

movie with thomas puckett and michael groom? yes, because this will be a weird night anyway. AWESOME. you two are my pathetic saviors lol

Fri, 10 Oct 2003 21:19:13 GMT

so im not dying. that's always a positive thing. granted, the lab results havnt come back yet. and when i was at the dr's office and was describing the symptoms ive been having lately, guess what she said they use to fix it? PAXIL! YAY!

so meghan and i went shopping and then sat in the St Chucks parking lot for a while, waiting for school to get out. found michael. saw tony. got relatively ignored, he didnt seem too happy to see me. blech. at any rate, brought michael home, brought meghan home, went to dr, and now im bored. and really tired.

i think im going bowling tonight. i kept it open because i thought i might see tony tonight but it looks like he's gonna be with jared and mark and laney instead. well, ok. it's nice to not be invited to things with mutual friends.

arggggg im just in a bad mood because im so tired and my arm is so sore. it's all gross and bruised and i look like a friggin junkie.

i dont work fridays anymore. and i work saturdays from 7-close. fun fun fun. but now i cant do stuff during the day, saturday. so...call me. NOW. we'll do lunch *infectious giggle*

weeeekend

Thu, 09 Oct 2003 18:29:02 GMT

if anyone can get me a LJ code, i would much appreciate it because this one is getting deleted. there are a lot of memories in here that i dont want anymore.

tonight: college fair with mr anthony fantozzi, michael groom, and matthew Vanmeter. AND supposedly i get to meet matt's girlfriend, Marrissa, who i guess goes to North now but i have no idea who she is. so...yay!

im gonna see if mr tony hoyt can join in on the festivities as well. hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

this weekend = crazy
friday: 8am: go to dr and get bloodwork done coz im dying
12pm: go with meghan to frollick, then sneak into St Charles Preparatory School for Boys at 2, for their early release and to bring Michael Groom home. and see my lover :)
post 2pm: mad shopping with meghan with our paychecks taht are already almost gone.
post shopping: work on Sociology video with Midget Sara and posse.
7-10...work at the Royal Pain

here is my work schedual as of right now:
friday: 7-close
Saturday: 11:30-5
sunday:5-close
monday: 7-close

howmuch does that SUCK!? i should be putting in my 2 weeks notice soon, however. so thank god for that.

umm well im in journalism and i;m afraid i must actually get some work done. so frollick on, faithful readers! there's nothing to see here, nothing to see.

<>

maroon 5

Thu, 09 Oct 2003 00:44:00 GMT

She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

stolen from nicole

Wed, 08 Oct 2003 22:29:11 GMT

"...if you're in love,
you know you're gonna feel the hurt.
see the flowers growing
from the muddy earth.
build a house on the highest tree,
it's dangerous and a bit risky.
but what about the view?
see the clouds and the mountains too!
if you love, you know you're gonna feel the hurt....
get your hands dirty,
get a little insane.
come out and play with me
in the rain.
you never see the sun,
you'll never feel the rain.
with your life under glass.
you'll never feel the joy,
never feel pain..."

thank you, thank you

Wed, 08 Oct 2003 22:18:17 GMT

good lord.

today just enforced what i always believed.
we will be fine.

i wont deny the pain that i felt/feel. but it's significantly worse than it was at school today when i thought that i had lost the only thing worth living for.

i'm so relieved i feel as though im going to drop to the floor asleep. it's just...a good feeling.

thank you. i love you.

p.s. thanks, god. you're a good guy.

p.p.s. thanks steph, for letting me rant to you
p.p.p.s. thanks to katie davis in choir for being utterly hysterical no matter what :)

i'll find it in myself

Wed, 08 Oct 2003 01:09:01 GMT

i walked in the middle of the road. the street was empty. in frustration, i went back to the sidewalk. as soon as my second foot left the blacktop, a car came around the bend.

God said hello. i said hello back. i walked for a good half hour. and i talked to God. it had been a long time.

i told him how in love i was. i told him that i was scared that i had just lost the most important person in my life.

i told him that i feel that he is right for me. i love him. that won't ever change.

i asked him if it was right. i asked him to help me. i told him why this person was so important to me. i told him how strong, how brave, how loving he is.

i asked god to let him be there tomorrow.

and thats all i can do

Wed, 08 Oct 2003 00:22:33 GMT

i have on layers of shirts and i have never been so cold in my life.

i have never been in this much pain in my entire life. mentally and physically.

and right now im about to go walk that same road i walked 5 months ago, and 2 years ago. i dont know the outcome. i will come home. i dont have the strength to die.

i was always jealous of tyler and you wouldnt believe how jealous i am right now.

i want to die and that's all there is to it.

so i've learned a bit of humility

Tue, 07 Oct 2003 23:45:31 GMT

i've been doing a lot of thinking. thinking that hurts.
with the help of a certain someone, and after reading through "the journal" again, i've decided a few things.

this, ladies and gentlemen, is going to be the end of me.

it's my turn to run away and bury myself in addiction.
it's only a matter of what and how much.

Sun, 05 Oct 2003 18:24:00 GMT

The Big Five Personality Test

Extroverted	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Introverted	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Friendly	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Aggressive	\|\|\|\|\|\|	24%
Orderly	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Disorderly	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Relaxed	\|\|\|\|\|\|	28%
Emotional	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	72%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	72%
Practical	\|\|\|\|\|\|	28%

Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

Sun, 05 Oct 2003 16:47:18 GMT

perhaps for the first time in 16 years, i am beginning to appreciate my parents. of course, the relationship between my mom and i never has been what i'd consider "healthy," but sometimes i am thankful for her. my dad is the only member of even my extended family that i respect.

so last night i went to the cabaret with tony. it was pretty cool. gordon was positively GODLY with his monologue and i got to show off tony's sexiness to North kids :) AND wonder of wonder, Cat was there. apparently her good friend went out west with jeremy over the summer and he brought her to the show. it's so weird that that girl knows everyone. so tony and i had a grand time seeing her. she also became madly infatuated with gordon for his talent, and with steph for her hott-ocity. speaking of "ocity," does anyone know when the next georgia nichalson book comes out? i think the author is luise...renington? hell, i dont know. agnus, thongs and full-frontal snogging is the first of the series. funniest shit i have ever read.

ANYWAYS, let me make a full circle back to my parents. the fact that they let me go to the cabaret with tony is really cool. given the DISASTER that took place last week, it's amazing that they'd let me see him at all. even cooler is the fact that they're not opposed to me dating him. my dad gave me the big "do you know what you're doing because he might hurt you again etc" talk, but all considered, it would be perfectly understandable for him to hate tony and never let me see him again. he knows a lot more about our relationship than i thought he did. my dad is not a stupid guy.

so anyway, was tony hot? or was tony HOT last night? yowza.

oh, and the cabaret was good for the most part. so yay. it was well organized, i thought.

AND i got taken off a day for work. things are looking up, possibly.

Sat, 04 Oct 2003 14:44:25 GMT

so, last night.

overall, it was spectacular. i didnt even get lost on the way to tyler's, and we watched a little of slc punk, which i dare say is the funniest shit i have ever seen. then "the katies" came over...i dunno which one was which, but they were really funny and i liked them a lot. i finally met Brady, tyler's brother, and he's a really nice kid. theeeeeeeeen JACELYN marie showed up and that was a big bundle of fun. so we ate pizza, goofed off, then left for the game...right as it started raining. rawr.

so tony didnt have a jacket, and i had a cloth one that was soaked in no time flat. so we were both freezing the whole time. however, this annoyence was cancelled out in my mind because it was an excellent excuse to cuddle with my lover *infectious giggles*

yeahhhh so anyway. silly hooliganisms went down such as me attepmting to roll tyler's wheelchair...from his lap...my lord we went possibly 1/2 mph and we were so loud that im sure everyone there was watching.

almost got ina fight with emo/punk/poser assholes who first made "heyyyy rich kids SUCK. are you a RICK KID?" and then when tony started being an asshole back to them, they left, and came back behind us calling me a "stereotypical bitchy slut" or something like that. tony FREAKED OUT. not really, but he got really pissed and i believe he and tyler would have kicked their asses if given the chance. i, on the other hand, didnt care that those kids were being dumb. they can make asses out of themselves if they want to. but it took a lot to finally get tony to shut up about it. rawr. oh well, the concern was appreciated.

saw KeLsEy DrEwBi who was a SEXY lil thang in her marching bad getup and poncho. i didnt get to really hang out with her, but it was really good to see her again. i saw her and tony together for the first time ever..and you know..im definately not bitter anymore about him leaving me for her once upon a time. in fact, i think they would have been really good together. BUT, as fate would have it, theyre not so he's all mine :)

jacelyn left to go to her schools HC game (psh) so it was tony, tyler, katie L and me. we didnt do much but make fun of the punksters and chat. but by this time it was the 4th quarter and i couldnt feel pretty much anything on my body anymore. so tony and i went back to my car and cuddled. then got made fun of by the people in the car across from me lol. they were cool though so yay for them being funny.

then the game was over and i had to leave.

last night was fun. tony is awesome. all i really have left to comment on is something that you prolly wont understand; only a few people will. well, some people say that a picture is worth a thousand words. but that picture of her could be summed up on one big, fat, OUCH.

it raised concerns. it made me feel really awkward. but...that's life i guess.

have a lovely weekend, my dears.

llama, darn that kida cool

Fri, 03 Oct 2003 00:17:11 GMT

ee gads. so im listening to tom mcrae on the big stereo because i have the house to myself, and all of a sudden the cd ends and it switches over to the next cd...my moms christian worship whatnot. ugh, it was gross. now im not anti christian music, but i HATE most worship albums. they really just plain suck.

ok, now on to why my usually blank "emotion" thing says excited. i am spending tomorrow after school with tyler hively, jacelyn tomson, kesely drew howard, and tony hoyt. i mean, my lord...how much better could it GET? these are my favorite people ever. like, im not even just saying this to flatter them. given my choice, i would spend every waking moment with these kids. if i had ONE DAY LEFT TO LIVE I WOULD SPEND IT WITH THESE KIDS.

and ive actually never hung out with all of them at the same time. i dont think ive ever hung out with kelsey and jace and tyler...or kelsey jace tyler and tony, obviously. ive never even hung out with kelsey with tony before. which is REALLY weird because he's the reason we met. i mean previously, it was always a little bit wierd...the idea of being with both of them, just because they used to date. and stuff. weird situation. but now its like...kelsey has someone, and tony and i are together so WHO THE HELL CARES??? NO ONE! BECAUSE THEY ALL ROCK! good lord i miss kelsey. i havnt hung out with her in months. and i havnt had a really good talk with jacelyn in forever. and and and...yeah.

tomorrow is gonna be godly.

hm, what else is new. today mark and jared came to north. that was sort of a bust...jared and i had things we wanted to chat about but thats hard to do when theres other ppl around. rawr. then mark had to work and i had to go meet my mom at South.

<3 Jeff Limes <3 and his gf kristi were supposed to drop by south to say hello. jeff is another one of those people that i got really insanely close to in a really short amount of time. then school started and we completely lost touch. that sucked. i miss you jeff! but he didnt show up. sooooooo

now i have 80 years of homework and studying to do. yippee. i can hardly contain my excitement. or something.

soooo im off.

i love ajh passionately

tony is....giggle

Wed, 01 Oct 2003 21:51:27 GMT

the love of my life.

Wed, 01 Oct 2003 02:03:03 GMT

i love tony hoyt with everything i've got. thanks for the phone call, kid :)

aaaaaaand i love heather williams for possibly working my saturday so i can spend the night at jace's on friday after the game? HUH JACE? HUH?

and i apologize to caroline for being such a bitch. it WAS annoying, what happened, but you more than made up for it with that report. thanky!

darkroom tomorrow. ahhhhh home sweet home

Mon, 29 Sep 2003 20:27:43 GMT

im...blank.i hurt but i dont. i dunno. i need alone time.

tyler hively, you are my hero. thanks for cheering me up yesterday.

PARTAY IN PICKTOWN THIS FRIDAY. who's gonna be there? 'SIDES MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!? st chucks vs picktown game then partay afterwards? yes? no? maybe?

Mon, 29 Sep 2003 00:54:05 GMT

p.s. marcus, i love you buddy. i hope you feel better. call me if you need me.

p.p.s. jared, thanks. for being jared. for being my rooftop twin :)

Mon, 29 Sep 2003 00:49:05 GMT

i'm scared again. i dont know what i did. i dont know who's fault this was. things werent bad...i dont know why they escalated into this the way they did.

my heart is breaking. i dont know how to interpret anything. i put myself out there. i thought, no, i KNEW that this is what i wanted. i took out my heart and offered it on a silver platter. it was in your hands and i think you dont want it anymore. i dont know. i can't deal with vaugness. i can't deal with not knowing why you are acting the way you are. holding back...that is as good as lying.

the parent thing...will blow over. i wasnt even angry about the ring getting lost, honestly. im not mad at all. i dont know why you're angry and i dont know why i feel so terrible but i do. please if i did something, just tell me. yell at me. whatever. just dont...leave me hanging.

im tired of dealing with it. i really am. im tired of hating myself, i'm tired of being given reasons to hate myself. i honest to god dont think this was my fault, i did nothing wrong. can someone just tell me that? can someone affirm that i'm doing everything in my power to make you happy?

AM I CHANGING ANYTHING?

it kills me that i even have to ask that question. the thing killing me is a lack of communication with everyone i love.

im so tired of being so sad.

im scared. every time this happens i deal with the possibility of being thrown away again. im. fukcing. terrified.

i just need to be held. i just need to know that im not the only person on the giving end of love, here. i should know, and i dont.

rinse. repeat.

live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse.

Sun, 28 Sep 2003 20:11:24 GMT

it only took 1.98 seconds for my heart to break.

Sun, 28 Sep 2003 19:39:11 GMT

yeah...so maybe i should jsut stop talking altogether. perhaps that would solve things. seeings how every time i open my mouth, i piss someone off. maybe i should just withdrawl for a while.

it's so cold here.

Fri, 26 Sep 2003 20:39:15 GMT

so today was better. last night was alright. i think i was really stressed about that stupid journalism story. and i thought it was horrible, but when i got it back, they were pretty positive about it. and now i really dont have to worry about it much. amen and hip hip hooray.

plus, im feeling physically a lot better. hallucinating is not fun, children, not fun.

so today in physics we didnt do a lot...but tony f. came over to my table and we were all talking about sex and dating and stuff and he and heather went on about how high schoolers cant be in love etc. and i argued about that hehe.

tony f. is a nice kid, i like him. heather let a good 'un get away. oh well. i always enjoy hearing fun stories about mr Christopher Frampton, as well.

the rest of the day was a blur...boring...and tonight i work. i hope i'll see anthony, michael, matt, tony, mark, and or tablegirl tonight. and tomorrow, im open. someone hit me up with something to do.

night

Thu, 25 Sep 2003 21:45:41 GMT

p.s. the photolab is now open.